From Project Fantasy to Project Happpiness: Welcome back to Brooklyn

Back in my space in New York again, I feel innocent with experience, light with an understanding of heavy memories. I choose my thought patterning, or at least, I choose to acknowledge them for what they are, desiring not so much to tear them out or rip them apart, but to source their roots, contents, and consequences.

"Observe your thoughts, they become your words.
Observe your words, they become your actions.
Observe your actions, they become your habits.
Observe your habits, they become your character.
Observe your character, they become your destiny."

The self-reflexive eye of inadequacy and fear is like projectile webbing from spiderman's wrist--only you are spiderman, holding your power at an arm's length, having it glare at you and you stare and spit and holler back. DIRECTION and INTENTIONALITY. PERCEPTION of SPACE and RELATIONSHIP to SPACE. It's all a dancing. Step outside of yourself for a change.

FEELINGS 101
A curriculum for school of soft knocks and emotional warriors

How amazing, the subconscious! How amazing, memory! How revolutionary, the warping of time with memory! How wondrous, dreaming! How scandalous, the sabotage of unbelief! Luckily I have been advised: kick your evil twin's ass. Do it tenderly and compassionately...but don't stop kicking until you convince your evil twin to take greater responsibility for his or her personal share of the world's darkness.

What is believing?

Wind from the window makes my door open of its "own" accord. Tailwinds fight with an impassioned heart on flight 983 to cause a purposeful delay, a forced fortuitousness (code = I wanted to miss that connecting flight. Did I make it happen?). Wind on a sunny Paddington streetside pub bench makes fuscia teardrop flowers fall "from the sky" onto the crease of my sweater at the front of my sternum while I talk about love, risk, playing it safe, playing the game--future. Tit for tat. Why not tat for tit?

Believe a little!
Belittling, leave!
Bereave the riddle--resolve to breathe!

I regret the times when I am not awake to begin with, but perhaps instead of crying over spilled opportunity-milk, I can learn from my hesitations (caused by ignoring and disbelief) that these are the habits I recourse to (how windy does it have to be before you close the window? did I even stick my head outside to check?). Working backwards, I see myself in my snail's hut of fragile spiraling shell, again conducting the habit-forming action of yelling into silences that yesterday's room was louder. I see the molecular thoughts of fear-of-losing-so-defense-is-never-to-want-and-always-to-resist coalesce and sediment into a hard crystal nugget (which I would like to see whittled into a flat stone by breaking waves, which I would then like to skim across still water to make rectangular ripples. Tada!).

Melinda is a magician! An Italian magician! No, not quite, but MELINDA, FIRST LADY OF MAGIC is a regular showing at the Venetian Hotel, Las Vegas, ranked as one of the top three magicians in the world alongside David Copperfield and Siegfried & Roy.(1) MELINDA GOLDEN DELICIOUS is also an Italian brand of organic apples, coming not from a love affair in an orchard, or a dimpled girl with a bonnet (as on Melinda's XXX Super Hot Habenero Sauce label), but MELA + LINDA. Mela linda. Clean apple.(2) Can life be so sweet? Will you accept the premise of mission:project:happiness? Will you accept magic and clean apples?

There should be a more conclusive end to this self-reflection but my mind dived off a high board and is busy snorting water out its nose and dislodging its swimming suit from between its two round cheeks (hemispherical-mind-wedgie). This is a better situation than my mind chewing on yesterday's leftovers still stuck at the back of my brain-teeth, but luckily, however, when this happens, my head is already covered with...floss!

Footnotes:

(1) Las Vegas Entertainment Today reports:
Melinda, First Lady of Magic is the No. 1 female magician in history. USA Today ranks her as one of the top three magicians in the world along with David Copperfield and Siegfried & Roy. Melinda is the first and only woman to ever star in her own prime time magic television special, "Disney's Melinda, First Lady of Magic," which aired on CBS. The International Society of Magicians named Melinda "Magician of the Year." One of her signatures acts is to make a sports car disappear at the speed of 100 miles an hour.

(2) Italy produces about 2 billion tonnes of apples per annum, about 4.5% of world production. There is a MONDOMELINDA Visitors Centre in Taio in Val di Non, and MELINDA GOLDEN DELICIOUS are known for their signature "rosy face", a red blush said to be caused "by the rays of the early morning sun in late summer and early autumn: the apples, damp from the night dew brought about by the intense night excursion which is typical in the mountains at this time of the year, are “kissed” by the sun in the morning. Usually the rosiest apples grow on the outer branches, are more exposed to the sun and are sweeter and crunchier."