I want Tim Etchell's job

...I want Tim Etchell's job.
www.timetchells.com
www.forcedentertainment.com

I am overwhelmed with the minuteness of Being in America (as an alien, no doubt worse, from a tiny island with no diaspora-based cultural-capital, no doubt worser) that I come home greedily to watch Grey's Anatomy on the internet after my days at work-plus-rehearsal, failing which (when I discover that 1am Friday does not yet mean "Fridays online") I watch the full 2-hour launch special of BRUNO AND CARRIE ANNE'S DANCE WAR.  I thought I was allowed this much escapism since I am not having any sex, but then I see the lifework of someone like Etchell's and I think: my God, there is so much I have not done in order to become a cultural icon.  

I can do this!  I think, I watch, I write, I save every damn program note, I draw, I defile (Ok confession: I spent a season drawing on stickers and only once did I actually paste one on the subway), I make dances, I make texts, I make videos, I like to improvise, I want to work on improving my improvisation, I want to do this with a core group of similarly-motivated people but I can't find any as ...I dunno, hungry? as me, it's true that I sometimes want to look pretty which is evidenced to myself every time I check myself out in window reflections, it's true that I presumptuously judge which is evidenced by how I condemn myself to social and creative isolation by drowning my enthusiasm every time I check myself out in reflections because I think I am too vain for depth.  I want to write as freely as I do on this personal blog when I am writing about performance and cultural phenomena but without the constant triple-time self-referencing, but I don't know, this is just what happens with my words.

I got the feeling today that Steffe only loves me as a reflection of himself, not as my own person and a potential part of his life. I sensed that he doesn't know what part of me is real and what part is a fantasy he is afraid he made up.  I thought perhaps I have the same fears -- but I am used to thinking things through more, and I understand that this feeling of "dissociation" affecting me now (feeling a little unrecognized) is part of the cost to love him.  I know that this is who he is, and similar to how I struggle with the loggerheads of passivity and action, he struggles with the conflict between dreaming and self-concern. We both get lost in other people. I get lost in them to the point where I am either doing nothing with them or doing everything without; he gets lost in them in a kind of universal love that makes the details disappear--a place where he can and often does get lost.  I know you can't really choose who you love (so it is not like I no longer love him because I had these feelings- I am trying to get to know him and myself better), but since I am treating this like a relationship I sure would like him to do the same.  Steffe, I need you to say you want us to happen. But I know that is too much to ask.